


Regrets

by chicago_ruth



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode Related, Family, Gen, Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 22:15:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11091018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicago_ruth/pseuds/chicago_ruth
Summary: Balinor has spent the past twenty years not being a dragonlord. Worse, he has spent the past twenty years not being a father.





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [enviropony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/enviropony/gifts).



> This is pretty much an AU of the season 2 finale, in which Merlin (and Gaius) were a bit smarter about how they went about the whole "get the last dragonlord on our side" thing.

The first hint that something had changed was the stillness in town. Balinor only went occasionally, when he needed a new supplies he couldn’t easily make himself, but usually the market was boisterous at this time of day.

“Where is everybody?” Balinor asked the blacksmith.

The blacksmith shrugged and handed Balinor the new chisel and needles he’d requested. “Haven’t you heard the rumor? Camelot’s under attack. Cenred’s happy as a clam about that, but we’re all waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Strange. Balinor had thought he was completely divorced from his past life. The news shouldn’t have affected him either way, but he did feel a small sense of thrill to know that Uther’s kingdom was suffering.

“Do we know who’s attacking them?” Balinor asked, trying to keep his voice bland, like it was a mere curiosity and nothing more.

“Hah! Nothing coherent. Some raving lunatics claimed it was a dragon, but we all know those are all gone. Only good thing Uther Pendragon has ever done.”

Balinor’s head snapped up. “A dragon?”

But the blacksmith had already turned away, getting back to pounding metal against metal.

If it truly was a dragon, then something significant was going to happen soon. Balinor took his items, finished the rest of his supply run as quickly as he could, and then hurried back to his cave.

He didn’t want to be anywhere that anybody could find him.

* * *

 

Somehow, somebody found him.

A young man, barely past twenty, dark hair and clear blue eyes and a small hint of something familiar. Balinor wished he could have simply ignored him.

“Gaius told me about you,” the young man said. “He said you were a good man.”

A good man? Did a good man submit his friends to captivity, simply on the whim of a king? Did a good man leave his family to die? Did a good man run from his mistakes?

Balinor grunted. “Gaius was mistaken. Now leave.”

“My name is Merlin,” the young man added. “Please. We need your help. Will you truly let everybody in Camelot die?”

There was no real reason to debate this young man, this _Merlin_ , and yet Balinor found himself angrier than he had been in years. The rage that had died down into low embers flared up again, consuming him as readily as it had all those years ago.

“I would not lift a single finger for Uther Pendragon! That man killed my family, my friends, and I could do nothing but watch! He is a monster, and I hope he dies by dragon flame.”

He started to leave, but the young man followed him. Continued to follow him all the way to his dwelling, babbling on and on, trying to find some reason for Balinor to come with him. There was none. Nothing could make Balinor want to help Uther Pendragon.

Until Merlin said, "My mother's name is Hunith."

Balinor's breath caught in his throat. _Hunith_. A memory he loved, a face he thought he would recognize because he'd carved it into wood over and over, tracing its features and trying to relive those few moments of happiness.

"It's good that she remarried," Balinor said, voice unnaturally gruff.

"She didn't remarry. I never knew my father."

Things fell in to place, there, all the piece of the puzzle lining up to show Balinor the whole picture. The reason why the young man had seemed so familiar, why the young man was so insistent in receiving Balinor's help.

For the first time in many, many years, Balinor used his magic.

It wasn’t the same type of magic that sorcerers used, and he would never be in the same league as Gaius or Nimueh, but it was enough to allow him to measure Merlin in full.

He thought he would find that spark of a dragonlord, a familiar small flame that had burned within all of his people.

Instead, he was overwhelmed by the powerful, all consuming inferno that was Merlin's very being, magic that stretched out for eternity across all of land and time. Balinor stumbled backwards, and it was good that his cot was just there, because he couldn't handle standing much longer.

Merlin sat down next to him. "Sorry. I know it's sudden. I didn't want to spring it on you, but... we really do need your help, and... I mean... I wanted to get to know you."

"You live in Camelot?" Balinor asked. His voice trembled. This was his son, but he had to be something so much more.

"I work for Prince Arthur, Uther's son. If he'd known where I was going, he'd have insisted on coming along, but... I thought it'd be safer without him."

All too right. Prince Arthur, running around in Cenred's kingdom? There would have been a bounty on his head immediately.

"Please. Kilgharrah is taking out his anger on all of Camelot. My... my magic is useless against him. You're the only one who can stop him."

Once, a long time ago – before Uther had ordered all the dragons hunted and killed – Kilgharrah had said to Balinor that the future was predetermined. That no single man could escape his destiny. He could only choose how he would accomplish it.

"Merlin—" to say his son's name, to know that it was the name of his son, left Balinor almost breathless all over again. "Merlin, I will help. But I will not go to Camelot. Let us meet with Kilgharrah on an open field, and speak to him as equals."

His son smiled at him, bright and hopeful, and Balinor lamented the many years he had wasted not knowing that he was a father.

* * *

 

They spoke with Kilgharrah.

"Balinor, you old traitor. I did not think to see you ever again," Kilgharrah said with a snap of his teeth. He loomed over them both, threatening in the way that dragons were always threatening.

Merlin got between Balinor and Kilgharrah. "Don't hurt him!"

That filled Balinor with pride, even while he feared his hold on Kilgharrah could break and leave Merlin defenseless.

"Kilgharrah. I will say to you: I am sorry. I betrayed your trust, all for a lie Uther Pendragon sold me. He would have killed me afterwards, and I am almost sorry he didn't, if it would have ensured the complete destruction of Camelot."

He heard Merlin gasp, saw his incredulous stare. "What? No, we need to—"

"However," Balinor went on, "We both know that destroying Camelot will not bring back the people we lost. We can only work to make things better in the future. Merlin told me of your prophesies. Would you not see them become true? Should the rest of the world suffer just so one man can get what he deserves?"

He waited, and thought Kilgharrah would try to roast them both, but then the dragon laughed. His laughter shook the earth they stood on, and birds scattered into the air.

"Oh, Balinor. You were always my favorite. Very well. I will stay my revenge until such a time that I can get Uther Pendragon by himself. Your Merlin has a destiny to follow, forever intertwined with Albion and Arthur Pendragon." Kilgharrah stood and shook out his wings, poised for flight, and paused. "And Merlin. I am not sure whether I should thank you or curse you. But should you have need of me, your father knows how to find me."

And then he launched himself into the air, causing a strong wind that made their clothes and hair flutter and twist. Balinor continued to watch Kilgharrah's form even after the wind had dissipated.

So that was it, then. Balinor was the last of his kind, Kilgharrah was the last of his. Balinor wondered if he should go back to his cave, or maybe start to live his life again, or—

Merlin hugged him.

The touch was so foreign that Balinor almost fell over. He hadn't truly touched anybody in years. Once or twice he'd found a woman who'd been willing to take his money in exchange for a few hours of her time, but that didn't compare to the warmth of having somebody – his son – hug him willingly.

"I'm not sure how to feel about Kilgharrah still being out for revenge, but thank you. So, so much." Merlin pulled back, and there were tears shining in his eyes. Balinor was surprised to find that his own eyes were wet.

"I... " Balinor shook his head. "No, thank _you_ , Merlin. I didn't realize how much I'd given up on life until now." He fumbled with the words. "I would be honored if you'd allow me to get to know you. I... I am certain there is much we can learn from each other."

Merlin smiled brightly. "That'd be brilliant. No, really. I really—but where will you go? I think Ealdor is probably safe. It's on the border, and... okay, I don't know if my mum would want to see you again because she never talked about you, but..."

There were so many possibilities ahead of him now. "I think I would like to see Ealdor again. Maybe I can take on a new identity. Uther doesn't know I'm alive, so—"

And Merlin hugged him again, crying and smiling and babbling about how he was so glad that Balinor was there, that Balinor was alive.

They spent the night together under the stars, talking about magic and destinies and everything that Balinor had missed. He got to know his son, got to understand who he was. He saw the raw edges, but he also saw the tempered steel just underneath.

Balinor saw Merlin's destiny stretch out ahead of him, and he realized he wanted to be part of it, wanted to become an integral part of Merlin's life and future.

"I don't regret not being a dragonlord for all those years I was gone," Balinor confessed when the sky was starting to tint pink with morning, "but I do regret not being your father. I hope I can make up for some of that time now."

Merlin nodded, smiled, and hugged him all over again.

Balinor could only hope that his future held just as many hugs from Merlin, just as many of his smiles.


End file.
